I haven’t been on here in ages, I mean I get on occasionally but i haven’t spent more then 2 minutes on it in a while. I miss it : ( but I now work 60+ hours a week and am in the middle of planning a wedding.
So much has happened in the last 6 months, shit in the last year & it’s all going by so fast, it’s terrifying. i blink and it’s a month from now. I hate that.
But then I’m glad cause I know before I know it I’ll be able to marry him. I really do love him, more then anything else. And I’m really excited to go to Disney World. I’m not just excited to go but to go WITH him. I think apart of me is so in love with Disney theme parks cause I relate it so much with my fiance it’s ridiculous. I’m not as much as “disney” fan as Disneyland has given me something I’ve wanted my whole life. I’ve always wanted to go somewhere and feel like I’m somewhere else. I feel that, and I feel it with the love of my life.
As great as that is though there’s been so much drama the last few months the idea of everyone being in the same room at the same time scares me. I know that I have contributed to things but it’s only because I’m not going to let people get away with making me feel a certain way. Conflict can also change who you are sometimes. I just feel like some relationships are so broken that no matter what they will never be the same as before and I just wish that we could somehow have 2 separate weddings, one in which the bride does not attend. I think what some people don’t get is that I am not angry anymore. My feelings come off as anger but I am so unbelievably hurt. I’m hurt that the day I came to a women to tell her about my wedding to her son, all she could think about was someone else. I understand we were not engaged, but I had 4 years with this guy. You don’t get to just disregard my relationship and future plans cause it’s not “official” If I doubted he would marry me, I wouldn’t be making wedding plans. Regardless everything is coming together but then somethings don’t seem to be changing at all.
It’s funny if you’d asked me 2 years around if I thought things would be liken this I’d of never guessed this. I’d never guess that people I loved like family would be more like strangers to me and that someone who I loved so fucking much, loved like a fucking sister would hurt me so badly. Guess it is what it is though. All I know is the idea of this wedding scares me. I guess it’s all so bittersweet cause not too long ago i was pretty sure there would be no wedding at all. I just hope in the next few months things change. Or at least get to a more stable place.
Excuse my venting tumblr. Ive just needed to write for a while. My support system, all my close friends and family, they all know every detail in my story, sometimes you just need to say what you have to say I guess.